Sledging 101... from the safety of your seat
I'm Aidancdaman, and today, I'm going to share with you abuse you can direct at the players on the field, whether it be tactful, sarcastic, or just pure beer-fueled rubbish.
At the Batsman
1.
"You couldn't drive on the motorway!"
Best directed at the poor man who just can't seem to hit it off the square.
2.
"Those are the only balls you've touched all day!"
Ideal for the useless toss who is adjusting his box between overs.
3.
"Well left!"
To be hollered when it's obvious to every man and his dog that the batsman has missed the ball completely.
4.
"DECLARE!"
Best said when your team is 78/6 and not capable of beating an egg.
5.
"For the love of God, would somebody please run him out?!"
When some boring bugger is clogging up one end, and has scored 10 runs in 6 hours, this is best directed at the non-striker. Ian Botham was once that very non-striker. He obliged, thank God.
At the Bowler
1.
"Stop bowling off-spinners!"
To be yelled at the opposition's fastest bowler.
2.
"He's a pie-thrower!"
This is cricket speak for a bowler who is, quite frankly, crap.
3.
"Who's your spinner on this tour?"
Best directed at the opposition's second-choice so called 'spinner'.
4.
"Slow down, we can't see it!"
You are well within your rights to ask the bowler consistently up at 100mph, to refrain from doing so.
5.
"Buffet Bowling."
Help yourself, but the bowling's awful.
At the Fielder
1.
"Kick it over, they're running five!"
Sound advice to the fatty chasing the ball to the ropes who can't wait for the ball to stop.
2.
"You've come a long way to lose!"
Ah, hospitality.
3.
"You couldn't catch a train!"
For the fielder who seems to have butter smeared over his hands.
4.
"You just dropped the series!"
When some poor bugger has just dropped a match-defining catch, he hardly needs 50,000 people rubbing it in.
5.
"Gimme a G, Gimme an A, Gimme a Y, what do you spell? _______!"
When the beer's started to take it's toll............
At the Umpire
1.
"It would have missed two sets of stumps!"
For the complete howler of a leg-before decision.
2.
"Oh come on, we're not good enough to bloody well get him out twice!"
When it's obvious that the star opposition batsman did nick it and should be walking back to the sheds.
3.
"You can't give that out, you've given nothing all day!"
Best used with a degree of sarcasm when the team you're barracking for has appealed all day with nothing to show for it.
4.
"He didn't touch it, you deaf bastard!"
A decision like this often ends up with a broken bat lying in the changing rooms........
5.
"We know where you live, ________"
Thank goodness for empty threats.
From the Cheap Seats
1.
"Oi, ______, can we borrow your brain, we're building an idiot!"
A true classic from the hill at Sydney, which is sadly, no longer with us.
2.
"Goddem, yes , piss off, you're out!"
Put on your best Bill Lawry voice. Thank god for the 12th Man!
3.
"Your bowling's like your sex life, you've never bowled a maiden over."
Use this at the bowler having a breather on the fine leg boundary.
4.
"I'm a talent scout for sh*t cricketers, congratulations, you're in."
Speaks for itself.
5.
"Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies? You fat bastard, you fat bastard, you ate all the pies!"
At the all-rounder. Get it? No, of course you don't.
6.
"Your mother's your brother!"
Directed at Graeme Smith at Hamilton a few years back.
7.
"Your sister's your wife!"
Same guy, same direction, a few pints later.
8.
"________ is a wanker *clap, clap, clap clap clap*"
You know it's summer, you know it's in New Zealand.
9.
"How's your wife and my kids?"
Figure it out for yourself.
10.
"_______ takes it up the arse, do da, do da."
A classic from the terraces of Eden Park, which are, again, no longer with us.
11.
"You're sh*t and you know you are!"
Okay, this is getting out of control.......
12.
"You f*cked up! You f*cked up!"
Fingers in the kids' ears.
At the Streaker
1.
"Boy, it must be cold out there."
Aaah, shrinkage.
2.
"Put the mouse back in the house!"
This time it's small.
At the Batsman
1.
"You couldn't drive on the motorway!"
Best directed at the poor man who just can't seem to hit it off the square.
2.
"Those are the only balls you've touched all day!"
Ideal for the useless toss who is adjusting his box between overs.
3.
"Well left!"
To be hollered when it's obvious to every man and his dog that the batsman has missed the ball completely.
4.
"DECLARE!"
Best said when your team is 78/6 and not capable of beating an egg.
5.
"For the love of God, would somebody please run him out?!"
When some boring bugger is clogging up one end, and has scored 10 runs in 6 hours, this is best directed at the non-striker. Ian Botham was once that very non-striker. He obliged, thank God.
At the Bowler
1.
"Stop bowling off-spinners!"
To be yelled at the opposition's fastest bowler.
2.
"He's a pie-thrower!"
This is cricket speak for a bowler who is, quite frankly, crap.
3.
"Who's your spinner on this tour?"
Best directed at the opposition's second-choice so called 'spinner'.
4.
"Slow down, we can't see it!"
You are well within your rights to ask the bowler consistently up at 100mph, to refrain from doing so.
5.
"Buffet Bowling."
Help yourself, but the bowling's awful.
At the Fielder
1.
"Kick it over, they're running five!"
Sound advice to the fatty chasing the ball to the ropes who can't wait for the ball to stop.
2.
"You've come a long way to lose!"
Ah, hospitality.
3.
"You couldn't catch a train!"
For the fielder who seems to have butter smeared over his hands.
4.
"You just dropped the series!"
When some poor bugger has just dropped a match-defining catch, he hardly needs 50,000 people rubbing it in.
5.
"Gimme a G, Gimme an A, Gimme a Y, what do you spell? _______!"
When the beer's started to take it's toll............
At the Umpire
1.
"It would have missed two sets of stumps!"
For the complete howler of a leg-before decision.
2.
"Oh come on, we're not good enough to bloody well get him out twice!"
When it's obvious that the star opposition batsman did nick it and should be walking back to the sheds.
3.
"You can't give that out, you've given nothing all day!"
Best used with a degree of sarcasm when the team you're barracking for has appealed all day with nothing to show for it.
4.
"He didn't touch it, you deaf bastard!"
A decision like this often ends up with a broken bat lying in the changing rooms........
5.
"We know where you live, ________"
Thank goodness for empty threats.
From the Cheap Seats
1.
"Oi, ______, can we borrow your brain, we're building an idiot!"
A true classic from the hill at Sydney, which is sadly, no longer with us.
2.
"Goddem, yes , piss off, you're out!"
Put on your best Bill Lawry voice. Thank god for the 12th Man!
3.
"Your bowling's like your sex life, you've never bowled a maiden over."
Use this at the bowler having a breather on the fine leg boundary.
4.
"I'm a talent scout for sh*t cricketers, congratulations, you're in."
Speaks for itself.
5.
"Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies? You fat bastard, you fat bastard, you ate all the pies!"
At the all-rounder. Get it? No, of course you don't.
6.
"Your mother's your brother!"
Directed at Graeme Smith at Hamilton a few years back.
7.
"Your sister's your wife!"
Same guy, same direction, a few pints later.
8.
"________ is a wanker *clap, clap, clap clap clap*"
You know it's summer, you know it's in New Zealand.
9.
"How's your wife and my kids?"
Figure it out for yourself.
10.
"_______ takes it up the arse, do da, do da."
A classic from the terraces of Eden Park, which are, again, no longer with us.
11.
"You're sh*t and you know you are!"
Okay, this is getting out of control.......
12.
"You f*cked up! You f*cked up!"
Fingers in the kids' ears.
At the Streaker
1.
"Boy, it must be cold out there."
Aaah, shrinkage.
2.
"Put the mouse back in the house!"
This time it's small.
